The Tifighra within.
"Hello, my name is Tifighra and I come from a land that stretches to no end."
Well, that is the impression you get when you are there. No need to bother your brain trying to imagine a land with no limits because it has limits. At least geographically. In my heart and mind, its beauty ran until the horizon and beyond. And I loved it.
But love is love, and it will
always leave you at some point. Even true love leaves you, but in a cooler way.
It boomerang-leaves you. It eventually comes back, but for it to do so, it has
to leave first.
My love for my land left me. The routine,
my lack of patience, my deep curiosity and my boldness sprawled a perfectly
smooth red carpet right in front of me. And so I left, looking for that lost
love.
I traveled. Days of traveling. Days
before I reached the waters. I long heard stories about these blue swaying
carpets, of all shades and sizes, of all tempers and moods, soft and caring yet
unexpected and fearful. And I needed to sail them.
“Hello, my name is Tifighra and I sail the seas.”
The first time I saw my reflection
was the first time I looked into its beautiful blue eyes. A sea it was! Prettier than the sky on its prettiest days, calmer than the hottest nights of
my land and swaying in a rhythm like a roaming caravan camel ride. The breeze was cooler,
the smell stronger and the sight bluer. And I felt comfort.
The sea showed me an image of myself I
was never able to see before, a clarity in the picture... and it hit me. My name
is Tifighra and now I see why. I smiled at the reflection. It wasn’t pretty. Some
parts were ugly even, but I got to see them. And the excitement of this
new discovery! It just fulfilled me! It didn’t matter what I was looking at. What
mattered was that I could see it. And I sailed again, happy.
Seas, oceans, rivers… As long as there was a connection. I wandered, I loved and I saw it all. The shades, the sizes, the tempers and the mood swings. I felt the cradle on kind days and the angst on less kind ones. I also saw my reflection many times after the first time. Sometimes I paid attention to details, sometimes I cried, sometimes I laughed… but most of the time, I didn’t care much. I looked at my reflection, smiled, looked into its eyes, through its eyes and just spaced out.
Seas, oceans, rivers… As long as there was a connection. I wandered, I loved and I saw it all. The shades, the sizes, the tempers and the mood swings. I felt the cradle on kind days and the angst on less kind ones. I also saw my reflection many times after the first time. Sometimes I paid attention to details, sometimes I cried, sometimes I laughed… but most of the time, I didn’t care much. I looked at my reflection, smiled, looked into its eyes, through its eyes and just spaced out.
The days went by, resembling each
other more and more. Differences turned into similarities, excitement into
routine and I started feeling the new love leave, just like the one before did. As I sailed the waters, the
feeling of my land got to me. I left trying to look for the love that left me but its absence found me.
I was lost. Lost at sea. Lost the
lust to sail. But I stayed. I stayed for those moments where the blue mirrors
showed me Tifighra. Each time I got a different image, and each time, for a few moments, I looked at it, then I looked away.
Until I lost the desire to look at it. Days went by without me checking up on it. Weary from the trip, I just gave up and let the waves guide my way. I saw a risk in it, and I loved the thrill of it. And I took it.
Until I lost the desire to look at it. Days went by without me checking up on it. Weary from the trip, I just gave up and let the waves guide my way. I saw a risk in it, and I loved the thrill of it. And I took it.
“Hello, my name is Tifighra and the
waves brought me here”
I was half-asleep when I reached that new destination. I felt the waves slow down but I carried on with my half-sleeping. First that touched me was the air. Fresher than what I got used to, lighter and fruitier. Then the sounds! Music and combination of melodies that were completely unknown
to me.
I opened my eyes. The sun was brightly sending its rays to direct my sight, and I followed. The scenery! Different! New colors, a bit of green, a bit of yellow, added to the already existing blue. Browns, reds and purples! All in a harmonious exhibition of beauty. An explosion of senses that woke my numb ones and started bringing back a bit of life in them.
I opened my eyes. The sun was brightly sending its rays to direct my sight, and I followed. The scenery! Different! New colors, a bit of green, a bit of yellow, added to the already existing blue. Browns, reds and purples! All in a harmonious exhibition of beauty. An explosion of senses that woke my numb ones and started bringing back a bit of life in them.
And then the waters! Without even
thinking, I looked!
“Long time no see Tifighra”.
I knew exactly why I was given that name by then. Or at least, that's what I thought... But the picture this time was very different. Shocking… horrifying… disturbing... An image that seemed to reflect a new me from even deeper depths than I could allow. I cared! and I was scared!
I knew exactly why I was given that name by then. Or at least, that's what I thought... But the picture this time was very different. Shocking… horrifying… disturbing... An image that seemed to reflect a new me from even deeper depths than I could allow. I cared! and I was scared!
Why? Why were the most amazing
waters reflecting this image of me? What was different about those eyes lying
at their bottom?
Was it me? Did my days sailing the waters turn me into this? Was it because I stopped paying attention?
Have I always been like this? Is it
the real image of me that no other blue mirrors could reflect?
And I thought… and I abuse my brain
with work. And I obsessed. And I cried. And I asked myself why. And I yelled
and screamed in silence.
… until I really figured it out.
“My name is Tifighra because I am
one”
I was given this name from the
moment I was born by those who knew. I just lived in denial.
And now it is there, right in front
of me, crystal clear reflection of that reptile inside me.
More than just a picture, it was a feeling! Somewhere between the heart and the guts, somewhere along the spine all the way up to the brain... And I cared even more. And I got scared even more! What the waters reflected of me wasn’t only what my face showed. It was also what they saw in me, what they thought of me.
More than just a picture, it was a feeling! Somewhere between the heart and the guts, somewhere along the spine all the way up to the brain... And I cared even more. And I got scared even more! What the waters reflected of me wasn’t only what my face showed. It was also what they saw in me, what they thought of me.
I wanted to run away, to face a new destination and escape this image of myself. I felt the need to run back to my land of golds and browns, with no blue mirrors to self-reflect, with no truth to face...
My wanderlust-addicted self would have never expected that, but as much as I wanted to run away, I wanted to stay. I could already smell risk, danger, fear, arousal and madness everywhere and I wanted to face them all, to feel them all, to taste them all.
My wanderlust-addicted self would have never expected that, but as much as I wanted to run away, I wanted to stay. I could already smell risk, danger, fear, arousal and madness everywhere and I wanted to face them all, to feel them all, to taste them all.
Would these waters want me to stay?
Would they accept? Would they want to face that reflection they project of me
like I wanted to face the jeopardy I was sensing all around? Do I give
explanations or would they just be “more excuses”?
Too many questions; not enough answers. I didn't know what I was doing but if the waters
wouldn’t want me to stay, I’d leave eventually... They'd push me eventually...
But for now, I am not a sailor
anymore. I will stay.
“Hello, my name is Tifighra and it means snake”.
